I'm in a little bit of a crisis. That's a pretty strong word, but it kind of describes how I'm feeling. I failed an exam recently. Not by very much, but still, it's the lowest mark I've gotten, well, ever. And that's depressing because when I was little, I used to be the best speller in the class with the fastest time on the "math clock" but now... It just brings up the question whether not I can survive until the end of it. If I fail the year, there's a small chance that I'll be kicked out of university. And the thing is, I've incurred a lot of fees (which are deferred until after I earn a certain amount a year). So if I get kicked out, there's no way I'll be able to pay for fifty thousand dollars - or more - worth of university fees.

My quality of study has hit a low since I've been having disturbances in concentration. Also I've been sleeping more and more, easily 12-14 hours a day and yet becoming more and more tired. Not to mention everyone in administration are total jackasses. My friend made an appointment to see the dean because he was having troubles with his studies. This is the guy who said to students "If you're having troubles, come see me and we'll sort it out". But all he could say to my friend was "Buck up or get out". I wanted to go travelling at the end of the year with my big brother, but I can't, because of the possibility of having to sit a supplementary exam then. Isn't it bizarre? Having to fit your life around your schooling so much?

This year's been very hard for me, and nothing seems to be going my way.

In high school when I started feeling fatigued, I saw a doctor, who took bloods to test my haemoglobin, which was normal, and all he could say was everything's normal, and sent me on my way. Really, anaemia isn't the only thing that can manifest as tiredness. Freaking hell, if everything was normal, would I go wasting my time seeing a doctor? And when I saw the university doctor last year telling her that I think I might be depressed and that I have thoughts of death 24/7, all she could say was she's running late and she'll have to see me another time. And when I did see her again, she couldn't even remember. Because she didn't take notes on what I said. And yeah, that's right. I have thoughts of suicide. Increasingly. I don't care who finds out anymore because no one even sees it.